I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
