I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I see more hoeing in ur future
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