My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
