Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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