I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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