I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
