My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
