I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
