just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
