I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
