Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
