What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think your dad took our porno
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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