There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
