Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
