Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
