Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize