so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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