Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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