My liver just broke up with me...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
