Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i think i have herpe
just one?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize