At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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