You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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