Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
