I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
