Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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