My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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