apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
