The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
