so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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