Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
