I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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