If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you would pick up someone in the library
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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