I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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