I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize