Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
