Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
