I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He felt like a one man threesome
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
