That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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