I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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