i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
