She's JV to your varsity
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
