I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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