At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
