if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
