I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
