well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
