think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
