The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
