oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
