Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
True strength comes from lack of pants
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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