I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
