I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
