My balls are so social today.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize