the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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