on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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