he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
