I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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