I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize