If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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