Umm I'm too high to move.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Randomize
