I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
